Through the years I have read a number of books relating
to the topic of marriage, and after a while they begin to sound pretty much the
same. How pleasantly surprised I was to
read the book from Paul David Tripp entitled “What Did You Expect?”
(ISBN 978-1-4335-1176-9). This 287 page
book is the fruit of Tripp’s countless hours spent counseling couples through
very difficult marriage situations, supplemented by the lessons he has learned
from his own marriage.
The theme of the book is that marriage is the union of
two sinners who do not realize how sinful they really are, and that marriage is
one of God’s powerful tools to bring about His great purpose of conforming
those sinners to the glorious image of Christ (Rom. 8:28-29). Therefore, problems in marriage should be
expected, and even welcomed, as a gift from the good hand of God who is
determined not to leave us in our sinful bliss, thinking that the world exists to
serve us. But instead, in marriage we
come face-to-face with the reality that the way of the Master is humble service
and sacrifice (Mk. 10:45). Thus,
marriage is a training ground for sanctification.
Tripp builds the book around six commitments rooted in
his understanding that every “marriage
needs the regular rescue of grace” (pg. 20) because every marriage that is
not growing in Christ-likeness is giving in to the corrosive effects of sin –
there is no middle ground – no standing still.
Tripp writes “you will never
become a graduate of grace” (pg. 230).
The six commitments are:
1.
We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of
confession and forgiveness
2.
We will make growth and change our daily agenda
3.
We will work together to build a sturdy bond of
trust
4.
We will commit to building a relationship of
love
5.
We will deal with our differences with
appreciation and grace
6.
We will work to protect our marriage
Each of these commitments is explained and applied as the
book progresses in logical sequence.
Through the liberal use of illustrations from his own
life as well as many real life counseling situations Tripp draws you in. By doing so he produces a certain sobriety on
the part of the reader as he reflects on his own marriage and how easily it
could become derailed through misunderstandings, inattention, selfishness and temporal
fleshly priorities. As I read it, I was forced on occasion to put it down, pray
for God’s grace and repent of sinful attitudes and actions that like barnacles
had accumulated in my own marriage of almost 33 years.
Tripp rightly notes “In
every marriage either giddy romance wanes and is replaced with a sturdier and
more mature love, or the selfishness of sin reduces the marriage to a state of
relational détente” (pg. 32).
Therefore we need to abandon as soon as possible the wedding day illusions
of a fairy tale marriage and recognize that “a
marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is
rooted in worship” (pg. 33).
In developing this important truth about marriage and
worship Tripp correctly notes “When the
Bible says that we are worshippers, it means that every human being lives for
something. All of us are digging for
treasure. All of us are in pursuit of
some kind of dream…[therefore]…no marriage
will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the
creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator” (pg. 34) –
this is powerful and life-changing truth.
One final quote: “You
will only respond in a way that is right, good, and helpful to your spouse’s
sin, weakness, and struggle when you are celebrating the transforming grace of
an ever-present, always faithful Redeemer” (pg. 39). To which I say a hearty Amen!
This book is Biblical, practical, convicting,
encouraging, and gospel saturated. I cannot
recommend it highly enough both to those who are just starting out and those
who have decades of experience in what Peter calls “joint heirs of the grace of life.”
